Nightswimming
by X-valmont-X
Summary: Hatori contemplates a photograph and is reminded of better times from his youth. from a time when he had everything he wanted, including Shigure.


**This song is beautiful. i really suggest you listening to it whilst reading this, as it'll give you a better understanding of the character's feelings. **

feedback is greatly appreciated.

i don't own Fruits basket or 'nightswimming' by REM. and i don't make any money from this.

**Nightswimming deserves a quiet night  
The photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago,  
Turned around backwards so the windshield shows  
Every streetlight reveals the picture in reverse  
Still, it's so much clearer  
I forgot my shirt at the water's edge  
The moon is low tonight.**

I looked down at the photograph in my hand, worn around the edges, creased and crumpled. Sighing deeply I closed my eyes. The memory was a sore one, one that made me feel deeply displaced. Sliding the picture back into the sun visor and starting the car engine I thought about that day, about all that transpired, and about how I missed it. My head ached, blood pumping too quickly around it. It seemed I was always in some kind of pain these days. The sky was an apocalyptic shade of red, the air was warm, and I was uncomfortable, my tie was causing me to overheat, it was stifling me. But I had one more job to do before I could go home and wind down, if that was at all possible.

I pulled out from the drive, there was no traffic, everyone was probably at some distant beach, basking in the last of the sun, or by a lake somewhere. Like we were once. My mind wasn't where it should have been, I was thinking too much, as usual, I needed to rest my troubled head, but I couldn't. And I had to go and see the reason why.

The drive was an uneventful one, one that passed quickly, and all too soon I was slowly making my way along the drive, the trees seemed to be on fire with leaves in the summer evening, the sun burned through them making me squint. I passed Yuki, Kyo, and Tohru, they were walking away from the house. Shigure and I would be alone together.

I made these visits out of courtesy. I only came to see him to remind him I was alive. It's not that I don't love him, because I do. But it hurts me, seeing him pains me, and even more so when we're alone. He reminds me of a time when there were fewer things for us to be worried about, when we were still pure, before kana, before we had to grow up and realize our responsibilities as members of the zodiac. Before we realized our limitations.

Nightswimming deserves a quiet night  
I'm not sure all these people understand  
It's not like years ago,  
The fear of getting caught,  
Of recklessness and water  
They cannot see me naked  
These things, they go away,  
Replaced by everyday

The photograph was taken at the lake where we used to spend our summer days. Ayame took it, we sat on a grassy hill, fresh from the lake, our jean shorts frayed at the bottom and soaking wet. Shigure had planted himself beside me, his hair tousled, his skin damp, tanned and young. He offered me a raw carrot. Being young as we were, we laughed at the innuendo, he put his arm around me and pulled me towards him, it was then that Ayame told us to 'think quick', and pressed the expose button. The moment was caught in time, carrot and all.

It made me smile as I pulled up outside the house. My eyes began to fill with tears, I would take a few private moments to weep for my loss. Nostalgia was the one thing I would always fall victim to, I could not help but succumb to it each time it reared its ugly head.

Recently I had come to realize how empty my life had become. It had been years since I had laughed with emotion, years since I had spent the night in the company of someone I loved. I do not speak of sex, although that was also a distant memory also, I instead speak of just _being _with someone. Knowing that you aren't alone and that there is someone who wouldn't rather be anywhere else than there with you.

In truth, I missed him. not just the things we did together, not just the lake and the freedom from restraints. I missed him as he was, as he is now, because Shigure is the one out of us that has changed the least. He was more than my friend, more than my family. I loved him dearly, but in a way that could never be.

I always comforted myself with the fact that 'time heals all wounds'. This is not true. There are some wounds that never heal, time only makes the pain worse and less bearable, because time reminds you of what you lost. Every time I entered this house, the one I sat outside now, my own wounds were torn open again, and they were cruelly left to bleed.

Nightswimming, remembering that night  
September's coming soon  
I'm pining for the moon  
And what if there were two  
Side by side in orbit  
Around the fairest sun?  
That bright, tight forever drum  
Could not describe nightswimming

I got out of the car, a light breeze chilled the remnants of the tears on my cheeks. There was a downstairs light on, emanating a homely glow. On a summer night like this I didn't want to be inside, but inside was where I was going. I climbed the porch steps and tapped lightly on the door. Shigure called for me to enter, I did. Removing my shoes I looked around for him. he was sat at his table nursing a tea set. There was a cup for me, and so I walked to join him.

My heart broke a bit more every time I saw him. I longed to be with him how we were.

"Tori-san! Hello! How are you?!" he was his usual chipper self.

"hello, Shigure" my voice sounded unintentionally tired, sounded like I didn't want to be where I was.

I sat down opposite him. watching him as he poured hot tea for me. His hands were as soft and youthful as always, they had always been synonymous with caring and love in my mind, because that was what they had always bought into my life.

"how are you?" I asked. I decided to ignore his asking me the same question.

So began his usual ramblings that I chose not to listen to. I loved the sound of his voice, but I am thinking of other things as I watch him, acting receptively. I think back to that photograph, how we used to go to that lake when Ayame was in bed, so we could be alone. One night, on our late night walk, he dared me to come swimming with him. I had just dried off from earlier in the day, and I only had my tidy clothes on.

"Tori-san's a chicken!" he had shouted.

He started to remove his shoes, hopping along to keep his balance, the shoes were loft on the grass with swiftly removed socks. I stood there in amazement as he rid himself of his shirt. Next came his trousers, then his boxers. He was naked and running for the water. All I could do was laugh, and after much prompting, copy him.

We played like we usually did in the water during the day, although this time our pretend punches were more intimate, our touches lingered on a bit more. We kissed that night. There was nothing unusual about it, but I think with that kiss we finally realized that this was the time of our lives, we loved each other madly, we had limitless time together, with nothing to stop us from spending twenty-four hours a day together. I look back on that time now with a slight anger at myself, how could I have not realized that it wouldn't be forever.

Everything ends eventually.

**  
You, I thought I knew you  
You, I cannot judge  
You, I thought you knew me,  
This one laughing quietly underneath my breath  
Nightswimming  
**

I held the cup tightly in my hand, I had held onto Shigure's arm just as tightly as we kissed, steadying myself through shock. I felt my tears returning and so I banished the thought. I tried to actually listen to Shigure, but my memories haunted me. I would know no peace from this, I wanted what I could not have, it was simple psychology, armchair science, we as humans always longed for what was beyond our reach. It was once of the main drawbacks of a consumerist society.

I looked at him again, there was no flaws in this design. He was the perfect specimen of a human male. And once, he had been mine. His hair was getting a bit long, it was due a cut, like this it reminded me of how he used to be. I had once ran my fingers through that hair, a show of affection before he fell asleep. He had known me before I turned to ice. Before I became what I am now.

Without my knowledge, he stopped talking. I shook my thoughts and spoke.

"sorry?"

"you weren't even listening Tori!" he smiled, although this was not the smile Shigure gave everyone else. This smile was reserved for me, and the last time I had seen it was a few months before Kana

A tear betrayed me and ran down my cheek. He said nothing. There was no readable shock on his face, he had been expecting this. He nodded, reassurance.

"I miss you" the words slipped from my mouth with physical pain. There was no way I would have said this in a healthy state of mind.

"I miss you so much that sometimes I think I might actually die. it's made so much worse by the fact that you're still here. I can see you whenever I want, but I still miss you. And I still feel. So. Alone." I gave over to sobbing. I had lost it completely. Any dignity I might have had was gone. All of my years of work on myself, to build my own resolve and retreat from any form of human contact had been crushed, by the dog. By his inquisitive eyes and his caring demeanour.

He took my hand, held it tightly and said nothing. Which was exactly what I needed to hear.

He scuttled around the table and sat next to me like he used to. His arm wound around me, and he kissed my temple.

"I love you" he whispered. His words more breath than voice. " love you, and I always have. There is no one in this world for me, but you. I have missed you from the very moment you left, and if you give me the word, I will never let you leave me again."

He was crying now. I felt stupid, two fully grown men crying over each other, but there was a lot of pent up feeling between the both of us, and nothing quite prepared us for this.

He took my head in his hands, and kissed me. Kissed me like he used to. His hands fisted in my hair, our lips messily pressed together, our sadness, our relief, our anger, all pouring into each other.

"come outside with me" he said as he pulled away. He took my hand and led me to the door.

We sat on the porch, we both had no shoes on, just like the old days. He slung his arm around me, looked at me, and smiled. He looked young then. He looked like he did in my photograph, only far more beautiful, because although we were different, although we were aging, and although the lake was gone, when we were together like this:

I felt alive again.

**  
The photograph reflects,  
Every streetlight a reminder  
Nightswimming deserves a quiet night, deserves a quiet night**


End file.
